Changes

My last post was dated right around the time I started on a journey. It started as a weight loss initiative and ended up being a total life make-over. When I was pregnant with my last baby, I got up to 260+ pounds at delivery. On January 1st, 2011, I decided that I was done being overweight.

If someone would have asked me why I was fat, I would have denied it. I wasn't *that* fat! I was big boned! I've been overweight since puberty, since Depo Provera, genetically and of course I don't have time to do anything different...I'm a homeschooling Mom to 4 kids born in 5.5 years! And a little part of me would have admitted that I don't eat that great....but it wasn't like I was eating waffles and syrup and gallons of ice cream! It wasn't fair! Why did I have to have PCOS?

I've made some amazing discoveries as the pounds dropped away. I am not big boned. I'm not genetically predisposed to be overweight. I don't need to hide behind my size or my big clothes. It's okay to stand out. To be noticed. It's been a struggle with my anxiety to be okay with that. I've discovered that the more kind and loving I am to myself, the more weight I lost and the better I felt. The negative self talk had to go!

People often as me now how I did it. Partially, I became a runner. I didn't call myself one for a very long time because I couldn't even run more than 30 seconds without hyperventilating (or at least feeling like I would). But I kept lacing up my shoes and going. Eventually I could run a full 10k trail race. But I attribute most of my success to changing my relationship to food. I really listened to my body and found there is a difference between being hungry or just having a craving. Being satiated (or no longer hungry) vs. feeling full. Eating more nutrient dense foods that I could fill up on vs. higher calories for less. I never felt like I was depriving myself because I would eat whatever I wanted, knowing that if it wasn't healthy that I would eat less of it.

I fulfilled a life-long dream of mine and joined an adult Ballet class. I decided to take Jazz as well! I have a recital coming up in June.

It's been good. Really good. My head still hasn't caught up with my body yet. Like getting a new haircut and doing a double take in the mirror, I am constantly amazed when a small pair of pants fit me, when I see myself in photo and when my husband hugs me and I feel so dainty. Me. Dainty!

thoughts

Life is inherently simple. Now if I could just stop complicating it with my inner monolog, making complexities that need not be made, creating dissonance with excessive forethought. That I may truly enjoy the beauty in simplicity and bask in each blissful moment, being within each passing minute bursting with awareness; for this I will strive for today and every day.

(Poem) The Roads We Walk/Disingenuous

These are original poems written by me, so please do not copy them without permission! Thanks!

----The Roads We Walk-----

Walking a road of twisted brambles
pathways jutted and confused
Which way to turn is not important
As long as you do not turn back

The scent of humus seeps into the pores
and lays thick in the air
the coolness is damp on the skin.
Deep in the wet trenches of the ground,
the seeds are shooting up their sprouts.

They stretch their tendrils and break-free
they leave the home of muck
reach for greatness little ones
reach for the sun

Surrounded by greatness
by beauty and vibrancy
Green beyond measure
and yet the new-being withers
curls and falls
consumed in earthy darkness
it dies

And we walk on,
moment of life forgotten,
wandering forlorn in our darkness
reaching our hands out to catch us should we stumble
where is our sun? where is our greatness?
We have forgotten.

The sun glimpses through heavy mist
alights the path
anoints the wounds
disappears again as we strive forward
It cannot stay for we would shrivel in its pure existence
but we yearn for it anyway

Show me the way! Just tell me what to do!
But the path is laid before us.
Twisted and confused
Walk it we must do
we cannot stop or we wither
I run, I stumble, I flail
and I fall

The muck it consumes me
it decays the skin
it gorges on my raw tender flesh
I've lost the light,
I have forgotten

Do sprouts have a choice to live or die?
Pushing, gritting, fighting
breathe
look for the path
there will be flowers growing there.




----DISINGENUOUS-------

It seethes
it burns
it boils

paste on a face
pick from a drawer
are you happy today?
shove it inside
make it fit
make it real
but it does not
is not

it melts
it bubbles
it runs

toss it aside
disingenuous facade
and dig for the truth of your depth
there it is there
do you hear it's whisper?
the sharp tinkling flicks of light?
the inner mother beckons you

it soothes
it caresses
it loves

and it is of your own creation

No Thank You, We Don't Believe in Socialization!

http://www.webeans.net/hutt/socialize.htm

here is a snippet

"The idea of learning acceptable social skills in a school is as absurd to me as learning nutrition from a grocery store. "

hahaha Exactly

Kudos to Jim Carrey

Actor Jim Carrey may be a funny guy, but this article he wrote is so right on I had to post it here.

Here is a snippet

"With many states like Minnesota now reporting the number at 1 in 80 children affected with autism, can we afford to trust those who serve two masters or their logic that tells us "one size fits all" when it comes to vaccines? Can we afford to ignore vaccines as a possible cause of these rising numbers when they are one of the fastest growing elements in our children's environment? With all the doubt that's left hanging on this topic, how can anyone in the media or medical profession, boldly demand that all parents march out and give their kids 36 of these shots, six at a time in dosage levels equal to that given a 200 pound man? This is a bias of the most dangerous kind."

and the full article is here.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jim-carrey/the-judgment-on-vaccines_b_189777.html

New Recipes

I just totally made these up and they were great! It was my first time cooking lobster and it turned out good! I think I actually preferred the Red Snapper tho, which is a good thing because it's a LOT cheaper! At least I know that I can make lobster at home and don't need to drop a fortune at a chain restaurant! I have no idea if these are accurate technical cooking names...but they sounded right to me LOL


Broiled Lobster, Shrimp Parmesan & mixed greens with vinaigrette. (from my own garden)


Pan Seared Chicken breast, balsamic zuchini ragout with homemade macaroni and cheese.